So I was gonna update cuz my sister is letting me use her phone and my phone won't let me update anymore! But I don't have shit to say sooo...

Add my twitter twitter.com/ashcrackkk

And heyyy to all my new followers! Ill do a real update soon.

I need some me time. I feel myself yearning for something, anything to look forward to and that type of desire leads only to destruction. Keeping focused on my goals is becoming seemingly impossible with that voice in my head telling to me give up. I need to reevaluate some shit in my mind and get on track.

I realized that I love to see myself hurt. I love to punish myself. Since I was young I've always pushed away the nice guy who adored me to chase after the asshole who couldn't see past the crowd of a million girls fighting for his attention to look my way. I know its a mental game. I wanna take someone that acts like he doesn't care bout me 1 way or another and make him love me...and then leave him. Maybe I should stop blaming people for hurting me and look at what I put into the universe. I hurt people. I purposely go out my way to "bully" men that I think are too nice. I get what I give.

Karmas a biiiiitch. lol

We're all imperfect. Perfection comes from acknowledging your imperfections and making the effort to mend them. I will never be flawless. But I am a work in progress.

& some of you really great people with really huge hearts, love me anyway..

& for that.....ily too. : )

Its 1:10 am and entirely too hot in beautiful ass California. All this ocean and no cool breeze? What the?! Im really bout to die. Lex told me it was raining in jersey and all I could think about was how good itd feel to go stand in the rain, butt ass naked! Lol

I love summer but I always forget how must I hate this part. Sleepless nights, laying in a hot ass bed with boxers and tee on..wishing someone would blow in my window so I could feel a hint of a breeze! Eek.

Alright..let me drop some ashcrack facts on that ass!

Things that are currently bringing me joy..

+ calling kyle. waking him up. sitting in silence on the phone for a good 30 mins. then out of nowhere saying, "mmkay I don't wanna talk to you anymore..goodnight!"..its absolute comedy. he's probably still up lmao!

+ I have a job interview on wednesday and im certain of 2 things...1) ill get the job & 2) ill hate the job.

+ ice cold water. its hotttt!

+ the fact that my inet SHOULD be back on this weekend.

+ the fact that im too tired to......FUCK! Forgot what I was bout to type. I fell asleep mid sentence. Niggaaaaa...im sleep blogging? This is all bad. Talk about addiction


Goodnight!

dearest dumb ass..

I bury myself in a pile of shattered pieces of you. broken long before I got my hands on you. Swallowing shards and cutting my insides. Painting smiles on my face to cover the pain. Cutting my hands as I try to glue your pieces together. Trying to make you whole again. Singing "humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall...all the kings horses and all the kings men..." fuck them..EYE can put humpty back together again. Broken pieces of mother, exgirlfriend, and every petite framed girl in between them. I can see the story on your face and the truth in your eyes. The pain in your ♥ and the hurt in your mind. I read a song on your lips that went "mama didn't love me so nobody will. mama broke my ♥, then that girl..she took my soul. mama can't fix it, nobody will."...I tapped a dove on its shoulder told it to whisper in your ear.."baby, she loves you..she'll always be there. you don't see it now and you can't even feel it..she's puttin your pieces together...she'll make it all better..let her fix it"..and the dove keeps whispering but you can't hear. Your living too fast and the traffic is clogging your ear. Slow down, my love..and listen to the dove...its singing the song on my lips. I can heal your ♥..if you'd just listen. Your living too fast and the traffic is clogging your ear..and I continue bleeding with cuts of broken pieces of you as I try put you back together with this Lover's Glue.

---------------------------------

A poem I wrote about feelings that no longer exist. Steal and get stole on. Word.


P.S.
It doesn't get sent to you, you come here. Im no fool, cupcake. ; )

another sad love song..I mean blog.

having my daughter taught me how to love others. this journey will teach me how to love myself.

& now that I know how to love people I must also learn what comes with giving that love and being vulnerable.

no matter how much you love someone you cannot make them love you. no matter how much you give you cannot make them grateful. no matter how good you are for them you cannot make them see. and how can you love someone that doesn't love you back? if its a recipricol act then the very fact that our love was one sided cancels it out. unless you have experienced an extremely mutual love, unless you both are putting in 100% effort and share the same love -- there is no love, just a watered down version that will be short lived and full of tears. bad times will outweigh the good and you will soon fall in love with the idea of who your significant other could be, your fantasies and dreams of how they CAN treat you. But they don't..they won't. Your imprisoned. You're in love alone.

brooklyn taught me how to love. you taught me how to be vulnerable. he will teach me about being in love.