Ashcrackkk

Vegan Pizza, FTMFW!

2011-10-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

I had a long day at work and just was NOT in the mood to lift a finger in the kitchen. I considered going to Taco Bell and getting a bean burrito with no cheese but decided I didn't even want to drive anywhere lol..so I ordered a Papa John's pizza. Their regular pizza dough and sauce are both vegan so I ordered a large pizza, no cheese, all veggies + pineapples. HEAVEN.

Day 2 of Vegan Eats!

2011-10-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

I've been going back and forth with myself about whether or not to adopt a vegetarian lifestyle for about a year now. Stephany suggested that I read the Skinny Bitch book, but I never did get a chance to. I watched a couple of documentaries but I still wasn't convinced....yet.

Yesterday I had an epiphany and decided I was done. No more meat. So I went to Peta's website to read their starter kit. I assumed it'd just be recipes and ideas on what to eat. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that there would be a video on there but there was and as much as I turn away from videos like this one, I told myself if I was going to take this journey into a meat-free life, I needed to watch these things. So I did. It put the nail in the coffin for me. I was near tears, my daughter was sobbing and we both said "never again". But that wasn't enough for me..that video made me feel like giving up meat wouldn't do the job. I needed to say goodbye to all animal products.

Get a free 'Vegetarian Starter Kit' now.

So I took the pledge on the Peta website to be Vegan for 30 days and then went to the grocery store to stock up on all the essentials for a week of Vegan eats. I won't lie, I spent significantly more than I normally would. Soy cheese, soy milk, vegan frozen meals, tons of fruit and meat-substitute products are not cheap. I think my next time around I'll buy less packaged foods. I usually buy frozen meals for my lunch at work but the burritos I got were 3 dollars each and the meals were around 5 dollars each. I spent over $120 on a weeks worth of food for my daughter and I so I clearly did something wrong, lol. But I'm sure as time goes on and I'm more familiar with this lifestyle, I'll spend a lot less.

After getting home from the grocery store, eating dinner and winding down, I started watching videos on youtube. I came across a hour and ten minute long speech by animal rights activist, Gary Yourofsky, and stayed up until 1:30 am watching the speech and the 30 min Q&A that followed. I woke up at 6:30 and spent the entire day tired as hell but it was worth it. He opened my eyes to more than just the abuse these animals endure but also the scientific fact that the human body is not design to digest meat or meat protein (which I'd previously heard about but he gave a lot more detail), and the health issues that consuming animal products cause. He also showed videos of abuse that were beyond my realm of comprehension. I was in tears, sobbing. Some of the images I'll never forget.

Hi Guys.

2011-09-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

Been a minute. I'm still here. : )

The American Dream

2011-07-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe I didn't blog yesterday but I thought about it and it's the thought that counts dammit!

Last night I watched a documentary that may very well have changed my life. God Grew Tired of Us follows a group of men making the transition from Africa to America as refugees. These men had been through the storm! As children they fled South Sudan by FOOT to Kenya where they were housed for a couple years before traveling, again by foot, to Ethiopia. These men, as children, were separated from their families, watched family and friends be killed and suffered through tragedies that most of us couldn't even imagine witnessing let alone living through.

Coming to America (no pun intended) the men had no idea what to expect. One of them even said "I've never used electricity before so I imagine it'll be very hard for me". Another man asked the camera crew if we go to the river bank to fetch water for bathing in America. These men had to learn all the basic necessities that we take for granted. How to turn on a lamp, how to flip a light switch, how to properly dispose of garbage, how to use a toilet, a shower, etc. Everything, and I do mean everything, was completely foreign to them.

The United States government gave the men 3 months to get jobs and to begin to reimburse them for their traveling expenses. In that 3 months not only did the men find jobs but some of them worked 2 and 3 jobs, sent money back home and even attended school! While being in America for 3 years one of the men was able to not only work but to return to school, get his High School Diploma, his Associates degree and was pursuing his Bachelors degree. IN THREE YEARS. Another man worked 3 jobs to help support his family in Africa, attended college and received his Associate's degree, and started a foundation for the Lost Boys of Sudan.

These men did not waste time. They came to America with an objective. That objective was to work, go to school, get careers and provide for their families back home and they did not waste time. I've been an adult living in America for 5 years and haven't accomplished even a fraction of what these men, who came here with NOTHING, were able to do. Americans are spoiled, privileged and lazy. We sit around expecting hand-outs, letting our lives pass us by and complaining about where we stand in society instead of fixing our own lives. We have the world at our fingertips. We can do ANYTHING we want to do. We can work however many jobs we want to, we can study anything we choose to and be in any field we desire. I think it is not only our right but our responsibility to take advantage of the opportunities afforded to us.

I've never been more inspired to get up and DO SOMETHING than I am after watching this documentary. I feel it is my duty to utilize everything my country offers me..if I don't, I have no one to blame for my unhappiness but myself.

The Good Man Blues

2011-07-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

Growing up in a society where good hearts, kind spirits and gentle souls are hard to come by we are often bombarded with the idea that when we find a genuinely good person, we should hold onto those people at all costs. I once preached that same belief.

I remember seeing women walk away from great men and think "does she have any idea how lucky she is?". I couldn't understand what could possibly make these women leave such GOOD men. A dying breed, a seemingly extinct species. Why weren't these women treasuring what they had and holding on at all costs? I swore if I ever found men that perfect..I'd never let him go.

...and then I let his ass go.

I found that perfect man and at first..it was wonderful. He was everything that storybook "Good Man" was made of. He had a job, took care of his responsibilities, treated me nicely, paid for dates, made me laugh, good conversation, etc. etc. In my mind..this man WAS perfect. And then...I found out he wasn't. One slip up, one sight of one flaw and all of my expectations came crashing down and my perfect man was now a flawed man. He'd lost his appeal. I was done with him.

The problem with building people up so high and expecting perfection is that you're never prepared to see them take that long fall from that pedestal and when they do..you'll never see them the same. After I witnessed that one flaw, all of his flaws became magnified. Like his judgement toward my religious beliefs, his closed mind toward homosexuality, the way he never offered me his coat on nights when I was freezing, the way he never offered to carry my bags, he didn't open my door or pull out my chair, he complained about paying for dates and over analyzed and critiqued each dinner bill, he had a side of him that seemed jealous and controlling. All of those "little things" became HUGE things but the biggest "thing" of them all was that there was no passion, no love.

See, what I learned is this; it doesn't matter how great of a person you are if the person you're dating doesn't feel that passion, it'll never work. We talk down on women, especially, for walking away from good men but maybe we should stop and consider that no good woman should have to settle for just ANY good man. What is so wrong about this woman wanting to find the man FOR HER?! Stop telling everyone how good of a man you are and how stupid she is from walking away from you. Sit down, shut up, and consider the fact that you probably ARE a good man, just not the one for her and she probably wasn't the woman for YOU.

I have no plans on settling or accepting what society says I should. I want passion, I want love, I want the man that I don't want to live without, I want my better half and I won't be a woman who believes that good men are so far and few between that I should just accept the first 1 I get and negate every other emotional need I have.

Project time.

2011-07-16T16:32:00.000-07:00

Starting today, for one year straight, I will blog every day. I'm not talking about the typical "this is what I wish I could buy but can't afford", or the over saturated "this is what I bought..haha you can't afford it" blogging.

No, I'm talking that thug shit we did from 2002-2005 where we spilled our souls to the masses and gave a motherFUCK who saw it, before we all neglected our public blogs and ran to the security of the infamous lock that was livejournal.com, before we all decided to just not WRITE at all and simply post stock pictures of our mental wishlists, before celebrity and fashion blogs ruled the world and all we had were our feelings and stories of our mundane days.

Remember those days? Probably not. The population of bloggers were small back then. There was myself (infamiss-moods.com), Alexis so-focused.com or .net or dotwhateverthefuckitwas, Steph who was hosted, Jackie Fab who schooled me on the art of blogging and layout making back in 2002 when she was illustri0us.net, Chanel, Natay, Tanyesha, that 1 chick who we watched grow from a ditzy adolescent chasing her bf to an unfit suicidal teen mom..what was her name? eh..whatever plus a few more who I don't remember....or care about..or something like that. Either way...I'm going back to THOSE days and I challenge you all to go back there with me. ; )

The Bafoonery Awards strike again..

2011-06-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

I take it Nicki Minaj, Eve and Miguel ALL missed the memo that it is currently SUMMER in Los Angeles. I don't even want to KNOW what Eve's little Poom Pie smelled like at the end of the night. Miguel's either. Mhm.

(¬_¬)

Oh. Okay, Meagan. I aint eem in the mood for your shit.

Hellooooo Self-Centered Entry..

2011-05-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

Seat belts are cool...

2011-04-29T14:33:00.001-07:00

but my earrings are cooler.

Happy Feet

2011-04-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

Sigh. I've grown to hate sneakers but really ... what is a girl without shoes that sparkle?

Dainty Ashley

2011-04-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

HELLOOOOO, Spring!

Alexis told me I'm "dainty", I'm so not! Hmph. I still have not fully accepted that I am a lady and should behave like one but I am getting used to the idea.

I wore the first outfit on easter and I felt so much like a doll. I kept putting my hands on hips and rotating them just to watch my skirt twirl and the puffs on the sleeves of my cardigan?! Preciousness at its best.

Shirt, skirt, necklace are all from Forever21. Pumps are by Mossimo from Target and they are comfy as HAYELL. & I'd like to point out that my gorgeous ass watch was a 15 dollar buy from the fashion district...SA-WEET!

The second outfit was an outfit I wore to the movies to see Madea's Big Happy Family (which I liked so much I saw twice!). I'm new to shorts, skirts, and dresses and if they're above the knee I always feel naked. This day, I felt COMPLETELY BARE! But I did think it was veddy cute and feminine.

The romper is from Foreign Exchange, the jacket is actually a cropped button up that I got from the fashion district and wore as a cover up, the gladiator sandals, necklace and bracelets are from a local store in Bellflower called Fashion Trends..I love that store!

Hey, Dick!

2011-02-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

You're a bitch.

I just thought you should know.

Skin Bleaching: Is it THAT bad?

2011-01-22T10:57:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been seeing this photo of Vybz Kartel everywhere. He has been comparing his skin bleaching to sun tanning. When I first heard that analogy I thought "tanning is temporary, bleaching your skin is permanent and a clear case of self-hate." and I still feel that way. There is nothing more sad to me than for someone to absolutely hate the skin they are in and to take such drastic measures as to bleach your skin you have to really be tortured by your physical appearance. It also makes me wonder if he did this because he thought it'd lead to greater fame in the music industry. Whatever the case may be, it makes me sad to see that so many black people feel so disconnected from their culture and their history that we are going out of way to make sure we don't resemble any of our ancestors - the very people we come from.

In his most recent statement, Vybz Kartel stated that what he did is no different than someone getting cosmetic surgery. It made me pause for a second and really think about what he was saying and in a sense, I agree. Women don't get their breasts done because they just adore the small ones sitting upon their chest, they don't get their noses thinned because they love the big ones they were born with, they don't get their asses injected with hormones and silicones because they find their flat asses to be beyond beautiful. No one is going under the knife to "fix" things they already love. People are paying thousands of dollars, and going through days of pain, bruising and swelling to "fix" things that they hate. Things they can't stand to look at and see on their bodies. The only difference is, we have not accepted skin bleaching the way we have accepted these other forms of body modification.

The problem does not lie solely with Vybz Kartel or with the black community hating themselves. The problem lies with everyone as a whole. Less and less people are embracing and loving the skin they're in and more and more people are turning to doctors to fix it. I'd love to blame the media but at this point, I don't think we can. We all have a duty to ourselves to respect and love ourselves. We cannot expect the media to teach us, lead us, or make US feel good about US.

I don't have Beyonce's thin nose, Nicki Minaj's round ass (even if it is fake), or Kim Kardashian's breasts. What I do have is my late Nana's nose, my mother's breasts, and almost-not-there ass and I am perfectly fine with that. I am a direct descendent of some of the most beautiful women in the world and it is my responsiblity to embrace what I see when I look at me. I am responsible for my own self-worth and self-love. I have imperfections like every other person on this earth but I love them and I strive to find beauty in them.

Ashcrackkk's Videos: diet & things of that nature.

2011-01-14T22:16:00.001-08:00

Broke Boy Fresh: Lala Vazquez's Gas Station Style

2011-01-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

Broke Boy Fresh is the newest section of my blog. I will be recreating celebrity styles at a much, much, much, MUCH, more affordable price. Enjoy!

LaLa recently wore this outfit to a gas station..

I recreated the look using items from my favorite clothing store, sigh, Forever 21. : )

(click image to enlarge)

click here to get the: belt, shoes, top, skirt, clutch, earrings, and bangles.

Eat this, Not that.

2011-01-12T16:19:00.000-08:00

I bought my first diet book when I was 18 and my daughter was 4 months old. During my pregnancy I had put on 40 lbs and after I had her I was extremely depressed. I lost 20 lbs after she was born and then put those 20 back on! I was tired of being depressed about my appearance and decided to go on a diet. I bought Dr. Ian's (Celebrity Fit Club) Extreme Fat Smash book. It took me half a day to realize that the diet was a bit too extreme for me and I quickling beelined for McDonalds. Soon after that I joined Weight Watchers, ate all the foods that I loved but learned how to make smarter choices and lost my first 8 lbs. During the past 4 years I have continued to take on and put off the same damn 20 lbs. Along the way I have studied the proper way to eat, diet, and lose weight. The only thing that has ever stopped me from dropping the weight is myself. I never get the results that I want in the first week and decide a bacon cheeseburger, fries, and cherry coke will make me much happier than that stupid ass number on the scale.

However, I am back on the wagon and determined to shed these 40 lbs before my 23rd birthday. So today, while deciding what I wanted for lunch, I was looking through one of my FAVORITE diet books - Eat This, Not That! & It inspired this entry.

I can't tell you how many times I have looked through this book and thought "OMG! That has THAT many calories in it?! Gross!" So I wanted to share some of those items with you guys and give you better options to keep in mind the next time you hit up your favorite fast food restaurant. While reading this, keep in mind that while dieting I am eating between 1200-1550 calories per day (closer to 1500). 400 calorie meals and 100 calorie snacks. I believe to maintain your weight (for an adult woman) you should consume around 2000 calories per day. So check out what some of your favorite restaurants are serving up in just ONE item...

Cheescake Factory KIDS Pasta w/ Alfredo Sauce 1,803 calories
Choose Fazoli's Fettuccini Alfredo, instead. With only 290 calories it saves you (or your kid!) 1,513 calories.

Applebee's Chrispy Orange Chicken Bowl 1,880 calories
Choose Panda Express' Orange Chicken with Mixed Veggies bowl, instead. The bowl is 500 calories, saving you 1,380 calories.

Chili's Southwestern Cobb Salad 1,080 calories
Choose between Chili's Southwestern Cedar Plank Tilapia (600 cal), Guiltless Carne Asada Steak (370 cal), 1/2 Rack Original Ribs (490 cal), or the Fajita Pita Beef Sandwich (490 cal). You will save between 480 & 710 calories.

Denny's Heartland Scramble 1,150 calories
Choose the Top Sirloin Steak & Fried Eggs, instead. Saving yourself 730 calories.

Domino's Hand Tossed Sausage & Pepperoni Pizza (2 large slices) 680 calories.
Choose 2 large slices of the Thin Crust Deluxe Feast instead for 480 calories and save 200 calories.

Now, I know everyone thinks Chipotle is healthy fast food but, to be honest, there are few things that you can get for Chipotle that are actually good for you or your waistline. The tortilla used to wrap those infamous burritos have nearly 300 calories by themselves! So here is what you should & shouldn't get from Chipotle.

Try this:
Barbacoa Burrito Bowl with black beans, cheese, lettuce and tomato salsa for 410 calories.
Crispy Chicken Tacos with cheese, tomato salsa & lettuce for 495 calories.
Steak Salad with black beans, cheese, and green tomatillo salsa for 435 calories.

Not that:
Chicken Salad with black beans, red salsa, cheese, and chipotle-honey vinaigrette for 720 calories.
Chicken Fajita Burrito with sour cream and corn salsa for 810 calories.
Vegetarian Burrito with black beans, cheese, guacamole, and red tomatillo salsa for 830 calories.
Chips w/ red salsa for 610 calories.

Of course there is so much more to add so I highly suggest everyone pick up these books. There are 8 in total and I own 3 of them. They are so helpful! Just these few swaps could save you so many pounds.

Looking out on the morning rain..

2011-01-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

I want to write my little heart out on this empty canvas called a blog but I'm feeling very Aretha Franklin - so uninspired.

So um .. yeah ..

Bye.

: )

Who approved this? Sammie & Karina Pasian remake "Brokenhearted"

2011-01-05T15:27:00.000-08:00

"Brokenhearted" is one of my favorite songs and while I think Sammie & Karina Pasian are both great vocalist, they should have left this one alone. Between Drake redoing TLC songs, Pretty Ricky redoing Knockin The Boots & this shit right here .. I really am about to be done with music altogether! I want that old thing back .. not a new & UNimproved version of it!

Marsha Ambrosius - Far Away

2011-01-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

Beautiful woman. Beautiful song. Beautiful video. Beautiful message.

2011-01-04T15:58:00.001-08:00

Follow my blog with bloglovin

Dear Journal,

2011-01-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

I promise to stop neglecting you.

Love,
Ashcrackkk

my fictional love.

2010-10-09T00:11:00.000-07:00

I've never been in love (with anyone other than my daughter and myself.....and hello kitty) but if I ever fall in love..I imagine it'll be the best love ever loved by all the lovers.

I picture my lover leaving secret post it notes throughout our house for me to randomly find. I'm sure he'll know that at least 1 random sweet text or email throughout the day is not only kind, but necessary. He'll give me flowers for no reason at all and understand the fact that roses are boring and I'd prefer sunflowers instead. He'll rub my head and give me forehead kisses. He'll strongly believe that all of my flaws are perfect imperfections that God himself placed upon me...like a dimple. He'll know that a massage is needed before I fix my lips to say it. He'll indulge in my delusional thoughts that my ass is huge. He'll comb my hair and wash my back. He'll understand that my choices in movies are better than his and let me pick : ) and most importantly...he'll bring me breakfast in bed.

And as much as he'll love me, he'll love Brooklyn even more

the return of eli porter.

2010-10-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

thats my baby, mayne.

2010-10-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

From: Nas

To: LA Reid, Steve Bartels, Steve Gawley, Michael Seltzer, Joseph Borrino, Chris Hicks

Subject: PUT MY SHIT OUT!

Peace to all,

With all do respect to you all, Nas is NOBODY’s slave. This is not the 1800?s, respect me and I will respect you.

I won’t even tap dance around in an email, I will get right into it. People connect to the Artist @ the end of the day, they don’t connect with the executives. Honestly, nobody even cares what label puts out a great record, they care about who recorded it. Yet time and time again its the executives who always stand in the way of a creative artist’s dream and aspirations. You don’t help draw the truth from my deepest and most inner soul, you don’t even do a great job @ selling it. The #1 problem with DEF JAM is pretty simple and obvious, the executives think they are the stars. You aren’t…. not even close. As a matter of fact, you wish you were, but it didn’t work out so you took a desk job. To the consumer, I COME FIRST. Stop trying to deprive them! I have a fan base that dies for my music and a RAP label that doesn’t understand RAP. Pretty fucked up situation

This isn’t the 90?s though. Beefing with record labels is so 15 years ago. @ this point I just need you all to be very clear where I stand and how I feel about “my label.” I could go on twitter or hot 97 tomorrow and get 100,000 protesters @ your building but I choose to walk my own path my own way because since day one I have been my own man. I did business with Tommy Mottola and Donnie Einer, two of the most psycho dudes this business ever created. I worked well with them for one major reason……. they believed in me. The didn’t give a fuck about what any radio station or magazine said….those dudes had me.

Lost Tapes is a movement and a very important set up piece for my career as it stands. I started this over 5 years ago @ Columbia and nobody knew what it was or what it did but the label put it out as an LP and the fans went crazy for it and I single handlely built a new brand of rap albums. It’s smart and after 5 years it’s still a head of the game. This feels great and you not feeling what I’m feeling is disturbing. Don’t get in the way of my creativity. We are aligned with the stars here, this is a movement. There is a thing called KARMA that comes to haunt you when you tamper with the aligning stars. WE ARE GIVING THE PEOPLE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT. Stop throwing dog shit on a MAGICAL moment.

You don’t get another Nas recording that doesn’t count against my deal….PERIOD! Keep your bullshit $200,000.00 fund. Open the REAL budget. This is a New York pioneers ALBUM, there ain’t many of us. I am ready to drop in the 4th quarter. You don’t even have shit coming out! Stop being your own worst enemy. Let’s get money!

-N.Jones

YEAH! Put his shit out, or get BLASTED ON! bitches.

boobies & little red corvettes.

2010-10-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

boobies & little red corvettes. from Ashley Arthur on Vimeo.

are you mad?

2010-10-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

basically.

ll cool j throws you un-cut fools a bone.

2010-10-02T13:26:00.000-07:00

The modern day Hercules is offering you mere mortal men an opportunity to get sculpt your body like his. YOM! For the small fee of Free.99 (for 21 days) LL Cool J is offering a diet book and food tracker with his personal secrets for success. I, personally, don't think any of you men have an option in this decision. Order the book and step your v-cut, 21 pack, deliciousness UP. Visit llcoolj360.com for all the details on how you can turn your body into a pussy wagon.

hello kitty.

2010-10-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

So, in an attempt to extend her 15 minutes to 15.5 minutes, Erica from the Bad Girls Club is planning on releasing a sex tape of a three-some she had with her boyfriend and a co-star on the show. However, she'll only release it if she works out a "legitimate deal" aka "2 wings, a biscuit, and a plastic hello kitty ring".

BITCHPLZUH!

First of all, nobody cares. We see you guys fuck every Tuesday and frankly, we don't give a shit. Second, who really wants to see Erica's misshaped, orange, greasy, naked body? Not I. Lastly, nobody cares.

But seriously...

When is this sextape shit going to die? Can we please stop sending this warped message to little girls that being a whore is cute? I don't give a shit what fancy bow you put on it, whether you're fucking your boyfriend, whether you tape it or don't, any time you have sex for money you are a prostitute. You may not have gotten paid at the time but if you are about to put out a video of yourself having sex for monetary gain - YOU'RE A PROSTITUTE. Let's stop covering this shit up in pretty, frilly ass "I'm grown and I was having a good time" wrapping. No, you're a whore. Case closed.

the greatest rapper of myspace.

2010-09-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

People, enough with holding Drake on some non-existant pedestal and feeding him this diarrhea of him being the greatest rapper alive, the greatest rapper out right now, the greatest rapper from Canada or the greatest Jewish rapper without a yarmulke. Just stop it. Do not get me wrong, Drake is a talented rapper and 4 years ago you probably would've mistaken me as an underpaid member of his street team. However, 4 years ago Drake was an underground ARTIST, not a mainstream RAPPER. Four years ago, Drake had no record label to answer to or please and really had no reason to try to fit into some mold to please 100 million fans.

I am beyond tired of this man watering down his talent and his artistry. This man has quoted myspace graphics and quotes, not once, but TWICE. The first time I let it go when all of Young Money got together and decided it would be beyond awesome to create an entire song based on a popular myspace graphic that used to read "I'm not Fred Flintstone but I can make your bed rock." and apparently it WAS beyond awesome because YOU idiots bought it, sang it, danced to it, and probably tattooed the lyrics on your asses. Then takes a quote, that I know ALL of you have seen posted under at least 1 club picture on myspace, which read "I live for the nights I can't remember with the friends I won't forget" and threw it into a song.

I mean really...your a rapper and your biggest influence is myspace? Sigh. I mean, I would get on the fact that I find it highly inappropriate for him, a rapper, to continue to quote Aaliyah. However, I love Aaliyah and am just not in the mood to be stoned by her stans so...I digress.

In conclusion, if your biggest influence has been myspace graphics then your "greatest rapper of ANYTHING" card is automatically revoked.

Since we're speaking of The Greatness that is Aaliyah. Her ex-boyfriend (I really feel like I should just say boyfriend because they never got the chance to become exes), Damon Dash, is having an art exhibition at his new art gallery to celebrate her life.

Personally, I'm like a pig & shit about this. There are few artists that have been depicted in artwork more beautifully than Aaliyah. It'll be interesting to see what people come up with since portraits aren't allowed. OH EM GEE, HOW EXCITINGGGG! -insert wrist pop here-

Oh yeah..if you wanna know how to submit your artwork, go to www.billboard.com - I'm really not in the mood to post the information. Yes, I'm just that fucking lazy. TAH-TAH!

her vag smells like garlic.

2010-09-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

bernard.

2010-09-24T20:09:00.001-07:00

I never wanted to be your weekend lover.
I only wanted to be some kind of friend.
Baby I could never steal you from another.
Its such a shame our friendship had to end.

Purple rain, purple rain.

there's a party in my tummy.

2010-09-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

whew.

2010-09-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

my heart feels so cold and my tears so warm. somehow this equation just doesnt seem to add up. im so empty and my only comfort are these quilts of liquid emotions. im losing it all and gaining nothing. dont even recognize my reflection anymore. my heart is worn.

my fingers are covered in blood. holding on to damaged relationships that have been bandaged with barbed wire. watered down family ties. and decade long friendships are reaching their demise. but im still holding on..longevity is clouding my dark rimmed eyes. they're whispering my secrets to anyone that looks their way screaming "save her, save her" as i slip away.

but dont you worry, pretty brown eyes...thanks to them, i can carry on with my lies. no ones looking your way. no one gives a FUCK about that river building up. no one gives a shit about that stream on your cheek. they dont see you and they dont see me.

your friends are flippin the bird with a smile and your mother can hardly stand the sight of her own child. no use in hiding behind shades or holding your head down to hide the pain...

dont fret babygirl. no ones looking your way.

stop...

2010-05-31T10:50:00.001-07:00

now lemme see your booty drop!

I haven't done this in awhile. Random Ashcrack Music Survey..
feel free to answer em, if you wish.

+ if you could hit the block button on any of today's artists who would it be? soulja boy, hurricane chris, wacka flocka, rihanna & lady gaga...im sure theres more, though.
+ if you could create the perfect song who'd be on it? marvin gaye, bob marley, billie holiday, sting, and tupac or nas....i think tupac though.
+ 1 rapper, 1 rock artist create an album...who would it be? tupac and kurt cobain
+ one artist you wish would show their real talent? lil mama! she went so hard before bein signed. smh. & kelis!
+ guilty pleasure? trina
+ one artist you wish would be inspired by their OWN older work? LIL KIM!
+ unexpected love? carlos santana
+ unexpected favorite song? in a sentimental mood by duke ellington
+ unexpected concert youve attended? britney spears :x hey! the tickets were free.
+ artist you've grown to love? jay-z
+ why do i know the lyrics to...? baby by justin bieber.
+ who the fuck is..? ke$ha?!
+ shoulda stayed underground? drake :-( i didnt even consider him underground but whatever he was, was better than this mainstream shit!
+ thoughts on the greatest dying first? i just hope theyre giving free concerts up there..i imagine my nana isnt only in heaven, but musical heaven. im jealous.

p.s.
50 cent gave bone marrow, both kidneys, a lung, half his stomach and his penis to lose the weight.
woman, step your weight loss dedication up.

peace!

2010-05-21T23:05:00.000-07:00

Its been almost two years since my relationship with my mother fell apart. I find myself getting jealous of my friend's relationships with their mothers. I wonder why she cant just be my mom instead of being in constant competition with me. I strongly believe my relationship with my mother will never be what it is, I'm not sure if it'll ever even be okay.

I'm making so much progress in my life and all she can see is my failures. Two people told me they were proud of me today and it made me cry. I dont remember the last I heard that,

I've been through so much since the day I turned 17. My health is okay right now, and it looks like my financial situation will be looking a lot better. I should be proud of everything I've overcome but I'm not. Those arent the aspects of my life that are thrown in my face...my failures are.

I look at Brooklyn and I feel more and more indebted to her for choosing me to better. I could never imagine not caring if she was in my life. People sk me about my daughter and regardless of my mood, my whole being lights up. She is so much of what her name means to me and why I gave it to her. She's forever the silver lining to every cloud. And at the end of day, if I receive no other love, affection and pride than what she gives me..I am content, I am happy, and I am a success.

I just pray that God gives me the strength, knowledge, understanding and compassion to never turn my back on her. She's my angel and I owe her my life for that, not the other way around.

Peace!

2010-04-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

"Tupac died at 25. If Malcolm X died at 25 he would have been a street hustler, named Detroit Red. If Martin Luther King died at 25 he would've been known as a local baptist preacher. And if I had died at 25 I would've been known as a struggling musician. Only a sliver of my life's potential." --Quincy Jones

the moral of the dieting story is..

2010-04-17T17:29:00.000-07:00

Do not break your diet for your favorite mexican restaurant's nachos. They WILL know youre on a diet and they WILL go out of their way to turn their always perfect nachos into a disgusting tornado of old-grease-tasting-meat, not enough toppings, and too much onion.

Apples & peanut butter and carrots & ranch dont hold a candle to potato chips or fries...but they crunch so they'll do.

woosaa.

2010-04-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

I bite my tongue so much when it comes to this topic. I'm often afraid of being pittied, even worse I'm afraid that people will think I'm only looking for pitty. But I've got to get this weight off of my shoulders. I feel a burning in my gut that I get every time I can't fix something. And since the only person willing to listen is Carmen (and I hate putting this weight on her shoulders)..I choose to write.

Every single day that I wake up next to my daughter I'm thankful and as I've said many times before, I am forever in God's debt for bringing Brooklyn into my life. She's truly an awesome kid. I spend a lot of nights whispering apologies in her ear, while she sleeps, for not being a better mother and not giving her a better father.

I knew the day would come where id say goodbye to my child rearing years and that's why when I got pregnant at 17, abortion wasn't an option. Brooklyn, to me, was my miracle and I knew she was sent to me for a reason but as much as I knew about my situation...I just never expected to be 21 and facing a chance of never being pregnant again. Never feeling that overwhelming blanket of love, life, and miracles that mothers feel right after giving birth. I know I should be thankful that I got to experience it once, and I am. God knows I am. But is it selfish of me to want that again, just one more time? But if I decided against it..and chose to fight this..would it be selfish of me to spend weeks or months in a hospital bed when I have a 3 year old that needs me? I feel like ever since I turned 17 I've slowly been saying goodbye to all my dreams and all these little pieces of me, and my life, all the things that made me, me..are fading..I'm beginning to not know myself anymore.

This doctor's appointment tomorrow is going to change my life forever. For good or bad...I don't know yet. But my heart is pounding, my stomachs burning, palms are sweating, head is spinning. And I just want to be normal, again.

Im sorry if none of this makes any sense but im writing with my emotions, not with creativity or logic.

In case you forgot, the first rule of my blogs are to never mention em to me.....this entry is not exception.

the day my twat was sliced open.

2010-04-07T00:03:00.000-07:00

You guys asked for it and I have to give the people what they want..

One hot ass november day (this is cali) I was lyin in a hospital bed...going the fuck off. I had been in labor for 21.5 hours and I was about to stick my arm up my twat and deliver my baby all by my damn self. Im yelling at the nurses "CHECK MY FUCKING CERVIXXXX!! GET HER OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT". So they checked my cervix and it was time to push...yay!!! No. The dumb nurse bitch decides to say "uh sweetie..lay on your side for 30 minutes...it'll make the pushing easier." Excuse me Nurse Stupid?! EVER HEARD OF CEREBAL PALSY!? I will not!!! So I told her I was about to push..she said id be pushing for two hours..I said suck dick. BAM! Three pushes in and this big brown head was coming out my twat hole. By that time..stupid ass Nurse Stupid was spazzin "I NEED DR TAM STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" yeah mhm! So then my doctor got there and my precious lil baby is making her way through my wittle hole then RIIIIIP...she rips my lil snatch. So my doctor grabbed some scissors and said SNIIIIIP and blood squirted to the highest of the high heavens. Yup...id been cut from coochie hole to asshole. Just moments later my precious child of light was born.

Then I wouldn't stop bleeding and my doctor kept shoving his arm up my snatch and banging on my uterus. I almost died and such but I'z still hea!!!

Sigh...best day of my life.

Goodnight.

Pretty girls poop

2009-07-12T16:24:00.001-07:00

I don't know why it never occured to me to use Alexis to my advantage! But hey -- it did today. Ima start emailing her my blogs and having her post em. Its crazy that I go to these lengths to blog! But in all honesty, not expressing myself has been killing me.

I feel like im hitting a turning point in my life, that will determine the type of person that I will be -- great timing too, seeing as how I just turned 21. I never felt like I got the opportunity to grow up, and mature. Im stuck at 17, in my mind. I know I have an old soul and im wise beyond my years but my growth got stunted by parenthood and the line between teen and adult was blurred beyond repair. I told Carmen the other day that 2006-2009 all run together for me, like its 1 long ass year. But im growing up. Im getting there.

My heart is yearning for freedom, independence, and peace. My mind is aching for relaxation, a vacation of the mind, a release of worries. My soul is begging to live. I feel like im having an outer body experience, like the person I am inside, and the person I will be soon is staring at the person I am today yelling at her to live her life, be free, live for me. And that's the decision I've decided to make. To live for me, no one else. Do what makes ME happy. Ignore the negativity that erupts from the mouths of those too timid to love themselves and set their own hearts free. I will only get this life once and there is no right way to live it except true to myself.

I've been really inspired lately. Negativity is feeding my creativity and MJ's death is making me shameful for not letting my light shine bright enough for everyone to flock to and hover in my glow. I spend a lot of time contemplating how to be successful on everyone elses terms. How to make everyone else proud of me. But what if I stopped thinking of security and threw myself and my dreams into the wind? Using all of my talents to the fullest extent of my abilities and finding true happiness in things that I love? Well that would be success of the richest form. Richer than apple pie a la mode on a summer night.

"Never sacrafice your dreams for security" -- Trey Songz posted something like that (or the same thing) on his twitter, that shit spoke to me.

Peace.

2009-06-10T14:55:00.000-07:00

So I was gonna update cuz my sister is letting me use her phone and my phone won't let me update anymore! But I don't have shit to say sooo...

Add my twitter twitter.com/ashcrackkk

And heyyy to all my new followers! Ill do a real update soon.

2009-04-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

I need some me time. I feel myself yearning for something, anything to look forward to and that type of desire leads only to destruction. Keeping focused on my goals is becoming seemingly impossible with that voice in my head telling to me give up. I need to reevaluate some shit in my mind and get on track.

I realized that I love to see myself hurt. I love to punish myself. Since I was young I've always pushed away the nice guy who adored me to chase after the asshole who couldn't see past the crowd of a million girls fighting for his attention to look my way. I know its a mental game. I wanna take someone that acts like he doesn't care bout me 1 way or another and make him love me...and then leave him. Maybe I should stop blaming people for hurting me and look at what I put into the universe. I hurt people. I purposely go out my way to "bully" men that I think are too nice. I get what I give.

Karmas a biiiiitch. lol

We're all imperfect. Perfection comes from acknowledging your imperfections and making the effort to mend them. I will never be flawless. But I am a work in progress.

& some of you really great people with really huge hearts, love me anyway..

& for that.....ily too. : )

2009-04-21T01:09:00.000-07:00

Its 1:10 am and entirely too hot in beautiful ass California. All this ocean and no cool breeze? What the?! Im really bout to die. Lex told me it was raining in jersey and all I could think about was how good itd feel to go stand in the rain, butt ass naked! Lol

I love summer but I always forget how must I hate this part. Sleepless nights, laying in a hot ass bed with boxers and tee on..wishing someone would blow in my window so I could feel a hint of a breeze! Eek.

Alright..let me drop some ashcrack facts on that ass!

Things that are currently bringing me joy..

+ calling kyle. waking him up. sitting in silence on the phone for a good 30 mins. then out of nowhere saying, "mmkay I don't wanna talk to you anymore..goodnight!"..its absolute comedy. he's probably still up lmao!

+ I have a job interview on wednesday and im certain of 2 things...1) ill get the job & 2) ill hate the job.

+ ice cold water. its hotttt!

+ the fact that my inet SHOULD be back on this weekend.

+ the fact that im too tired to......FUCK! Forgot what I was bout to type. I fell asleep mid sentence. Niggaaaaa...im sleep blogging? This is all bad. Talk about addiction

Goodnight!

dearest dumb ass..

2009-04-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

I bury myself in a pile of shattered pieces of you. broken long before I got my hands on you. Swallowing shards and cutting my insides. Painting smiles on my face to cover the pain. Cutting my hands as I try to glue your pieces together. Trying to make you whole again. Singing "humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall...all the kings horses and all the kings men..." fuck them..EYE can put humpty back together again. Broken pieces of mother, exgirlfriend, and every petite framed girl in between them. I can see the story on your face and the truth in your eyes. The pain in your ♥ and the hurt in your mind. I read a song on your lips that went "mama didn't love me so nobody will. mama broke my ♥, then that girl..she took my soul. mama can't fix it, nobody will."...I tapped a dove on its shoulder told it to whisper in your ear.."baby, she loves you..she'll always be there. you don't see it now and you can't even feel it..she's puttin your pieces together...she'll make it all better..let her fix it"..and the dove keeps whispering but you can't hear. Your living too fast and the traffic is clogging your ear. Slow down, my love..and listen to the dove...its singing the song on my lips. I can heal your ♥..if you'd just listen. Your living too fast and the traffic is clogging your ear..and I continue bleeding with cuts of broken pieces of you as I try put you back together with this Lover's Glue.

---------------------------------

A poem I wrote about feelings that no longer exist. Steal and get stole on. Word.

P.S.
It doesn't get sent to you, you come here. Im no fool, cupcake. ; )

another sad love song..I mean blog.

2009-04-16T15:56:00.000-07:00

having my daughter taught me how to love others. this journey will teach me how to love myself.

& now that I know how to love people I must also learn what comes with giving that love and being vulnerable.

no matter how much you love someone you cannot make them love you. no matter how much you give you cannot make them grateful. no matter how good you are for them you cannot make them see. and how can you love someone that doesn't love you back? if its a recipricol act then the very fact that our love was one sided cancels it out. unless you have experienced an extremely mutual love, unless you both are putting in 100% effort and share the same love -- there is no love, just a watered down version that will be short lived and full of tears. bad times will outweigh the good and you will soon fall in love with the idea of who your significant other could be, your fantasies and dreams of how they CAN treat you. But they don't..they won't. Your imprisoned. You're in love alone.

brooklyn taught me how to love. you taught me how to be vulnerable. he will teach me about being in love.

2009-04-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Malika,

The majority of this entry is solely for you : ) I read your blog as soon as I saw that comment but I couldn't reply (still updating from my phone) so I said, im gonna post an entry to her! I read the entries on the first page, beginning to end. You are extremely intelligent. To be 16 and have the power to think, make your own decisions, form your own opinions, and develop your own beliefs aside from what society pushes on you is amazing accomplishment. Most don't have the ability to think for themselves til their early 30s...and some never develop that ability! Send me an email with your new url! ashcrack@tmail.com

& all of that leads me to my real entry..

Stop trying to be someone you're not because you can only play somebody elses role for so long before the real you starts to shine. And after everyone has begun to love you for who you WEREN'T who will love you for you?

alexis. arkethia. keisha.

2009-03-31T19:50:00.000-07:00

I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!

cuz they love me! flaws & all.

big pimpin.

2009-03-28T09:14:00.000-07:00

me give my ♥ to a nigga?
not for nothin. never happen!
Ill be forever mackin.
♥ cold as assassins, I got no passion.

I don't know why but big pimpin has been replaying in my head all morning. I guess cuz...I can relate to it, ya'know?! lmao no but forreal..

Im really finding that I cannot truly give myself to anyone! I mean granted, the one time I thought I could..homeboy didn't know how to act which sent me flying back to the old ashcrack and cutting off any emotional attachment, leaving me feeling no romantic connection with him and so easily propelling his little scrawny ass right back into the friend box. Maybe this time ill close and tape the shit up so the friends box is where his ass will stay! I guess its easy for me to love when im being loved. But the minute you start treating me just a slight bit different, I lose all feeling..all emotion...and I just stop giving a fuck.

But I do still have dreams of getting married and being the all-american mother and wife..so I guess in order to make that happen ill eventually start to love, with or without the return of it?! (HA..DOUBT IT..THAT SHIT JUST DON'T SOUND SANE!)

Lets randomize this shit..

+ im starting school july 20th. for what? its a secret : ) lex knows!

- im getting impatient waiting for this car : (

+ my bff comes back to cali may 6!! yayyyy

- I miss having cable and inet :( no making the band, no bad girls club, no real world, no I love money, no for the love of rayj..NOTHING!

-/+ question! if someone drives 2+ hours to see you..and you don't wanna see them..WHAT DO YOU SAY?! lmao

Ummmmm okay. Goodbye. Lol

follow me!!

2009-03-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

http://twitter.com/ashcrackkk ; follow me. give me a reason to tweet : )

2009-03-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

I guess we all get a little hurt when we realize the one person who truly loves us unconditionally, has stopped spinning their world around us.

I guess all things that go unappreciated stray, sooner or later.

my open letter to..

2009-03-15T23:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Every "ex", every guy I've ever "dated", "talked to"..whatever the fuck you wanna call it,

Who the fuck told you to come in my life and leave your memory forever engraved in my mind? What gave you the right to turn seemingly innocent, objects, thoughts, places, and things into automatic reminders of YOU! Who even told you that you were worth remembering?! Thanks for ruining..

"I Don't Wanna Be" by Aaliyah
The smell of spearmint gum.
Orange popsicles with the lil cream filling.
"The Girl Next Door" by Musiq.
Plies songs & all southern accents!
Usher's entire cd...what was the name of that shit? The best one he ever made..yeah, that one.
5.0's.
"Pretty Girl" by NB Ridaz.
Napolean Dynamite.
112.
Cool summer breezes.

& countless other things! Thank you, Assholes.

Love Never,
Ashley. The best ya never had! Lmao haha, beetch.

Sidenote : why do I look at the clock at 11:22 every single day, sometimes twice a day. 11/22 is my daughters birthday. Cue the twilight zone theme song.

iFart.

because im tired...

2009-03-14T23:57:00.000-07:00

of talking about relationships. and beating my ahead against a wall of silence and repeating the same ol feelings, emotions and frustrations to an emotional corpse. With that said....
Fuck deep and analytical. Lets be random..

- I need to shave my legs : ) tomorrow, I guess.
+ I think I have the dopest "home made" halloween costume in mind (yes, I know its march.) but im not telling you smuts! I might end up just buying 1 anyway lol
- im tired of everyone turning minimal obstacles into life altering struggles. there is very little beauty in having a hard life, the good in it only comes after its passed and you realize how strong its made you. people who have no struggles, little worries, and are mentally free .. they're the blessed ones. so count your blessings and stop writing mental novels of some horrible life you've created in your head.
+ I've learned why people say that the best accessory is a smile. Its true. No one looks as beautiful as a person with a smile. They glow, naturally.
- my daughter calls Nemo, Elmo and Elmo, Momo .. wtfeezy? that's more confusing than mexicans saying yelly instead of jelly and jellow instead of yellow. Lmao..the just reminded me of when I worked in the market dept of target and my team lead would always tell me to stock the jogurt.
+ at some point this year I will begin eating completely clean, for my health.
- I have a headache in the back of my head!
+ someone remind me to workout.

& my final thought!
Christina Milian used to be my ninja! I even made a resolution that id have her body by my bday lol but lets do a timeline folks..
when nick cannon was at his peak (lmfao!!!!) in his career (had a few songs on the radio, was puttin out at least 2 movies, 1 of which had her in 1, and was about to get his own show) she was all on it.
& then that died...
& before we could blink she was boo'd up with 1 of the hottest producers out, who just so happened to of produced 1 of her biggest hits (lmfao!!!!! again), Say I. They dated for a celebrity-eternity and then before we could even notice they split..
BAM! This ho is boo'd up with 1 of todays hottest writers, producers, singers, whateverelseheis. Im not sayin.....but im just sayin. So that, coupled with that new awful hair-do and me and xtina are officially done. I've dumped her. Psh! Heffa.

bedtime!

2009-03-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

ah, the little one is knocked : )

I think I've reached my tolerance for people who complain about shit that they hold all the power over. It may be a little insensitive of me but I think its really lame for someone to cry over shit in their life CONSTANTLY and do NOTHING to fix it. If its in your power to change something..do it! If you're not going to..quit crying to me about it. If you don't care enough to handle it, neither does anyone else! This same theory goes for relationship. Its only so many times ima let you complain about the same man or woman doin the saaaame thing to you before I totally ignore the shit. Clearly you like it! So kids, the lesson for to day is, either put up or shut up! Lmao

sidenote;
to my commenters - I read the comments but I can't respond from my sidekick and I still don't have inet! So im not ignoring you guys lmao

Id love to type more but it hurts my thumbs typin on this damn shitkick!

Ily guys. Thanks a million for the continued sweet and supportive words. : )

Dearest Keisha & Arkethia,

2009-03-06T14:53:00.000-08:00

I came to the realization that our 12 year friendship has been based solely around bowel movements. From Keish gettin the squirts at Uncle Otis' house in 5th grade, to our first sleep over at Arkethia's house and me shittin as soon as we entered the door and Ms. Yvonne coming home and say "ooh! it smells like something spoiled up here" lmao (and lets not forget how yall TELL every new booty we meet that damn story!) and even now, pretty much every single convo ends with "I gotta poop. Ttyl", Keisha holds convos with us MID-SHIT! And proclaims our bathrooms as her royal SHITrooms and dares us to defy her the right to SHIT in them. So with that said..

Here's to 12 more years of SHITSHIP! (Friendship) lmao

Love ALWAYS!,
Ashcrack !

P.S.
Arkethia..remember Keishanda? ("I gotta go...I got diarrhea!...OMG ITS COMIN OUT") lmao!

Yes, this entry was gross. : ) suckiteasy!

2009-03-02T21:29:00.000-08:00

"you called yesterday, to basically say..that you care for me but, that you're just not in love."

What if someone called you and said that? Lmao thank god for text messaging, aim, emails and myspace. Well not really..but still..

A very wise (beyond her years) friend of mine once told me that if I wanted to reach my goals (no matter how big or little) to write them down in a list format. Look through my phone, private journal, computer and you will find tons of "goal" lists. It has truly helped me. Thank you, friend. ; )

The point of me saying that is to also say that I feel like a dark cloud has been lifted from my entire universe. After much digging, soul searching, and suffering(!) I have a clear and precise plan for myself. All of my dreams and goals are so vivid and so attainable. I cannot wait til 2010, so that I can look back at 2009 and be so proud of all the things I accomplished : )

..make lists! (ya HO!)

sidenote:
-- my nigga chris breezy is boooold as heck with these new miami pix. he's living the life after Ike'in rihrih up 1 time for the hood, aint he?! ol bastid!

Okay I don't wanna talk to you guys anymore..bye : )

ex.factor

2009-02-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

it could all be so simple,
but you'd rather make it hard.
loving you is like a battle
& we both end up with scars.
tell me who I have to be, to get some reciprocity.
cuz no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will.

i used to sport a shaaaag.

2009-02-25T17:28:00.000-08:00

In case yall were wondering ..

Im listening to Roc by Beyonce.

I didnt brush my hair today. : )

Im watching "Why Did I Get Married?" for the umpteenth time

Im sitting in the dark, wrapped in my favorite blanket, with some tights and a long tee on, and straining the hell out of my already shitty eyes, to read & write.

Anyway, I decided to start an Ashcrack-ism here on the Ashcrack blizzog! So I introduce to you .. WTF Wednesdays! Here are my top 5 "wtf's" this week..

5.) Ever since the biggie movie came out I hear all these Los Angeles born and bred mickey fickeys bumpin his music! And I know prior to the movie I was the ONLY Los Angeles-ian that listened to biggie THAT much. Yup, the ONLY one. That's a fuckin FACT.......cuz I said so. Whatchugondoboutit?!

4) Why are so many women sayin "maybe rihanna did something to make chris mad, she not innocent"..what battered womens shelter were you hoes raised in?

3) Why is everyone hatin on Kanye and Amber Rose? Quit lyin...yall know she's fly. I don't care if she's an ex-stripper, lesbian, man..or whatever else..she's bad. Especially in the hot pink glasses, scarf AND lipstick and them boots...SOMEONE GOOGLE THE PIC DAMMIT "Oooh!! You jellyyyy!"

2) How come we eat fried foods even after we see that it can turn a paper bag transparent. "Oooh!! We nastyyyy!"

1) Why does Tyler Perry always have his actors with some ridiculous ass hair styles? What's the problem, Tyler? "Lets figure this thing out!" (katt williams voice)

Anywhooo..tis all!
Bye bye readers..here's a few messages for my favorite people that read my blog lol..

Alex Is Ballin! - just saying hey cuz you'd get jealous if I didn't.

Papii - I totally gave you the spelling of your stage name..and the idea for your most popular song. You know who to make the check out to ; ) thank ya, baby!

Mr. 12-hour-day-scholar - Guess what im bout to eat! Carls Jr steak nachos. You jealous?

& in closing..

I've been in a really good mood lately, since rearranging some goals and figuring life out! Lol just sending yall some of my endorphins! As you can see, Ive got some to spare. BAM!! I just threw glitter at you guys : )

SMILE! Who loves ya baby? Ashley does! Lmao

Paaaaayce.

when it hurts so bad.

2009-02-23T18:51:00.000-08:00

"The one who loves the least, controls the relationship"

Most truthful thing I've heard in a long time.

I often forget that people read this blog, until I get an email saying "hey, I read your blog..". I forget that though my entries are very vague and all conclusions that you form of my writings or based solely on assumption and minimal clues, I still open up a piece of me to my readers and let everyone see a side of me that I don't normally show. Keep in mind that although I have been blessed with the art of a verbal paintbrush (aka my tongue) and can articulate my thoughts and feelings by way of art (aka writing), these are still MY feelings. And when stripped of all the pretty adjectives, dressed up metaphors and subliminal messages, they're as real and as deep as the feelings you also possess. I may put a fancy dress and bow on mine .. but look a little deeper and you'll see that im down to the bare necessities. I open up to my readers more than I open up to myself. Im more truthful with you guys than with my own reflection. For the people in my everyday life, my "real" life, who read this blog - its safe to say that my pour I soul out to you guys in ways id never do face to face. I've written about my suicidal thoughts, forgetting that my bestfriend of 10 years reads this blog and it wasn't until after she said "girl, you need to write a new entry!" that I thought "damn, this bitch is watching me get naked!" because essentially..that is what I do here. For 15 mins of whatever day I decide to write, I strip away all the smiles, all the masks, and get emotionally naked.

With all of that said, please keep in mind that I only write my truth. I write my point of view, my thoughts, my joys and my hurts. If I shall ever say anything to offend or hurt anyone in my personal life, its not my intention. Im just expressing myself. Remind yourself that this is nothing short of an open diary and in a diary I am allowed to write through anger, frustration and anything else I feel AT THAT MOMENT. Those feelings are also allowed to pass because it was how I felt, AT THAT MOMENT. So before you get angry with my writings..remind yourself that its only AT THAT MOMENT! And hold my sometimes selfish and inconsiderate verbage against my head, not my ♥.

And I wrote all of that to simply write this..

Every time I fight w| someone I care about, I feel the emotion in my gut. The worst burning sensation I've ever felt. As if a fire eater drove his torch directly through my stomach. Its the most uneasy, uncertain feeling I can feel. Today, while I rested and thought of ways to relieve stress, I reminded myself of that feeling I get when we fight. I started to try to reason with myself WHY I get that feeling. I mean, I know its because I think that every fight will be the last fight. I have a terrible fear of leaving without saying goodbye and losing people too soon. Every fight = sudden abandonment. With no reassurance, no communication, and no resolve .. what else is there to think? The constant question "what did I do?" lingers while you forget about the whole thing. I stress out while you could care less about an argument or why it occured.

& at the end of the day .. all I want to do is talk, resolve, and move on .. & all you want to do is forget it happened and ignore the entire issue .. and me!

which brings me back to my quote ..

"the one who loves the least, controls the relationship"

..word.

2009-02-22T19:43:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been completely obsessing over my health. I know why. It has a lot to do with things going on with my body that I can't control. So im trying to TAKE control of the things that ARE in my control. The thought of my future scares the hell out of me. Im terrified of the unknown and at times I just wish I could just lay all my fears on someone else. Just tell someone every single detail of how I truly feel, and cry, and really get all my emotions out. But I can't...I can't lay my problems on someone else, id be clearing my head but weighing them down with MY fears. And besides that .. I don't even have anyone TO be completely open with. No one has the time to nurse my emotional wounds. I feel like im imprisoned by my own fears and thoughts. I spent the past 2 days crying at the most awkward moments, having hella mood swings and feeling (and probably seeming) psycho as all hell. But no one knows all the shit on my mind and until I can just let everything out..I will constantly be trapped by my own thoughts and my own fears.

And besides all that, I've been extremely frustrated. I was telling Lex today .. you know how you miss someone so much but you're not getting that time that you need with them so missing them turns into anger and you lash out? Lmao .. Yeah, im definitely there. 2 hours. Just 2 uninterrupted (no falling asleep) hours, that's all I want. To talk and cupcake and to atleast pretend to enjoy each others company, lol.

Damn .. I feel like I say this a lot but I feel alone right now. "The alone girl that's never been lonely" .. Remember that Lex? For the outside, its a piece of a poem I wrote .. long ago.

Anyway, Carmen, this is for you. Idk how to work facebook, lmao - so im posting it here.

25 random ASHCRACK facts.
25 - I have a blue teddy bear named bubba that I love with allllll my ♥. Before I had B, he was my baby. Id take him to school and everything .. and someone would always notice my severe (and weird) obsession, and steal him : ( .. I've had him since I was 13. We're in love : ) .

24 - Growing up, I always pictured my future boyfriend having the name, Brandon.

23 - I have a fetish for scars. I always have. My 3rd boyfriend (in kindergarten, yes I was fast) had this huuuge scar from his ear to his mouth, I thought that shit was so dope. When I was a kid id pick my scabs in hopes of creating scars. To this day, I still have scars on my legs from my child hood .. and I think they're so cute!

22 - My favorite color is pink. Its the color of the breast cancer prevention ribbon, which my faternal grandmother passed away from.

21 - I think I've said this before but I've never knowingly been in love. Im almost 21 and just now realizing that I may have, subconsciencely, been in love since I was 14.

20 - My favorite hip hop song, of all time, is passing me by by the pharcyde.

19 - When people tell me they've never heard "I used to love h.e.r" I literally get pissed.

18 - I remember dates. Idk why. I remember the date I lost my virginity lmao. I remember the date me and my boyfriend from MIDDLE SCHOOL got together lmao and plenty more stupid dates.

17 - I'm still waiting for SOMEONE to buy my qtip cd.

16 - I was once considered a lush but I think im done drinking. Since having brooklyn I RARELY drink but after seeing some drunk bitches lookin reallll sloppy, its just not appealing anymore.

15 - I've had two of my real nails ripped off : ) .. both happened within 1 year.

14 - I deeply miss Destiny's Child's ghetto days.

13 - I secretly like Britney Spears and own her first album : )

12 - I love hello kitty and am seriously considering getting it tatted.

11 - I always day dream about a life as a wife and mother (I already am one, duh) and living in a cute lil all american home with a white picket fence.

10 - This nigga won't stop textin me! Wtf is the issue?!

09 - idk what else to write.

08 - this list has made my entry hella long.

07 - I got a bad bitch from cali that love to blow cavi. Kinda bitch to suck ya dick & make you wanna get married.

06 - I wanna work a hooters, BADLY! I think the outfits are the dopest illusion. They don't show shit but arms and cleavage, they wear those stockings so you can't even see their legs but everyone thinks they're sooo slutty lmao. It tickles me!

05 - if I had the balls (plus the body, and pole skills) id sooo be a stripper on mondays lmao.

04 - when big boy (from power 106) was fat .. I thought he was soooo fine.

03 - I can fit my fist in my mouth

02 - and make my tongue touch my nose.

01 - I hate you for making me do this : )

P.S.
Tanyesha, I got your email and tried to respond hella times but it wouldn't go through. Email me again, por favor.

crazy competition w| the past.

2009-02-13T17:46:00.000-08:00

Im sitting here in the dark with a pounding headache .. and still blasting my itunes. Some things are just necessary. So .. I tried to write this entry the other day (as yall saw with the subject) but I was having issues .. sorry bout that lol. Now im having even more issues, as Brooklyn keeps hurting herself and crying and requesting "boo boo kisses", the result of a day without a nap..and my soon-to-be 15-year-old (as of tomorrow) sister "singing" (more like screaching) at the top of her lungs. But ima work it out! Lol

So anyway..what was originally on my mind was how its damn near impossible to find someone without relationship baggage. Every man I have ever dated either was still in love with an ex, still in love with his GIRLFRIEND (lmao), secretly trying to work shit out with an ex or WHATEVER! And if they aren't in love with them anymore..they spent so much time with the ex that you can't help but feel like everything you do is being compared to her.

Ill be honest..as confident as I am in me as a person and as a relationship partner..when I find out that a guy either spent yeeears lovin some chick or still has feelings for her..hella insecurities arise, of course. How can you ever love or move forward with me if your ♥ is stuck in the past? How can we ever create memories if all you're doing is comparing ours to the ones you shared with her? And if she's let you go? Why can't you just be content with that chapter of your life ending and begin to write a new one? My slate is clean. Im not secretly missing an ex, I don't wish I was back with anyone, and im certainly not in love with any of my exs. I can truly say that I can offer my entire ♥ and soul to someone without my past creeping in to end everything and all im asking for is for you to clean your slate and allow us to be on the same playing field. Allow yourself to move on and begin something new.

One door closes so another can open.

P.S.
To my "34"..
I do miss you.

ily.

2009-02-06T15:30:00.000-08:00

I know no one thinks my daughter is as perfect and precious as I do...but I don't care! Ima share anyway.

I went to lunch yesterday with my sister and my friend. Out of nowhere she shouts "I love my mom!" :D

Then at 5:30 am a hungry little girl who refused to eat her dinner woke me up to demand some crack of dawn waffles. I go to retreive them and leave her in the bed and give her my phone to entertain her. I come back with the waffles, turn the light on..."Mommy! Im sleep!".."you're sleep?".."yeah..and I broke your phone!"..of course, all of this is mumbled together and only understood by the mother but yall get the hint. So I say "I got your waffles".."no..im tired..you eat em"..I take a bite..."its good?"..and then she rolls over and goes to sleep.

I love her.
:)

2009-02-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

geezelaweeze! its been quite some time. I haven't neglected you guys. My internet is turned off :(. Everything has had to be put on hold .. youtube, femme fatale, yaddayaddaya! Lol It'll all be back as soon as possible .. I just don't know when.

Well things with my family have reached an all-time low. I'll be leaving home next week..hopefully. Im not exactly sure where im going yet but for those who I've spoken to and who are worried...please trust that id never put brooklyn in an unsafe situation. Her needs always have and always will come before my own. Trust me on this. Lets all cross our fingers that I get into this place .. Im not gonna tell yall what/where until after I go up there and see if I can .. but it'll be a good change.

My money situation is FUCKED. I have to get a job. Any job. Asap. I know it sounds funny but I think ima get either a fast food or waitressing job. The reason being is because Im gonna go to nursing school soon and I wanna be able to get into a hospital before I finish. So here's my plan..work in some sort of restaurant or fast food place for about 6 months and then apply to work in the cafeterria of a hospital..that way when I finish nursing school im already in the hospital and have made a few connections. See yall.....IM SMORT! lmao

So when I get the net back I have a few new things im gonna start...femme fatale is changing, completely! im really excited about it...and im also going to start a graphic design site for free myspace layouts and custom layouts for purchase (I also do web design if you need a full website).

I just wanted to update you guys briefly..seeing as how im on my kick.

Before I get out of here I wanna thank you guys for the support. 1 of my youtube subscribers made a video and gave a huge shout out to me and it really did touch me. Its on my favorites on youtube if you wanna see it, should be the first one. Anyway, every time I get a comment, email or message saying that you guys love my writings, videos, shirts, etc. and that I inspire you..it really does touch me! I appreciate all the support I get..I truly do. If for any reason you need to contact me while im gone my email is ashcrack@tmail.com and aim is ashcrackkk. Ill try to post again soon. I love you guys.

P.S.
Even with all these trials, im still optimistic that this year has nothing but great things in store for me.

dear 2008, YOU SUCK!

2008-12-30T14:22:00.000-08:00

I believe the gift of understanding is something very few of us possess. From the time I was born I've been misunderstood by everyone who has ever entered my life, and I've actually come to terms with the fact that no one will ever fully understand me. Before I graduated from elementary school I had already developed an "I dont give a fuck what ANYONE thinks of me" attitude because I was already fed-up with being judged. I remember being on the school bus and pretending to talk to the bus seat in front of me, just because the rise I got out of the people who truly thought I was crazy tickled the hell out of me. I would sing songs the entire way home, as loud as I could, as if I really believed I could sing. People may have been laughing at me, but I was also laughing at how dumb they were to think I was serious. I never got embarrassed, looking back though...I feel bad for my older sister who just had to grin and bare it as her little sister embarrassed the shit out of HER. LMAO..sorry Whit!

Naturally people have had opinions of me since forever and I've always been amused by them because they're so false. I guess because I'm quiet and keep to myself people come up with their own fairytales about me, since I wont give them the autobiography. Today I started thinking about all the things people have said and assumed about me and I just want to tell each and everyone of you that you're right. I am everything you believe me to be. Lets go down the list..

- goodie too shoes. yup. havent done many "bad" things in my life. dont do drugs. rarely drink. dont party. dont sleep around.
- stuck up. uh what is the exact meaning anyway? i guess at times i can be a little "snobbish".
- conceited. im faking it til i make it
- loser. yes, yes. you've got me there. i am a loser. i keep to myself to avoid the drama of fake people AND im a homebody AND im a computer geek. thats very loser-ish of me. i agree.
- ugly. sure. i actually like when people say that. subjective beauty is the most beautiful beauty. BAM!
- mean. yes..i agree. but it is a mask, i promise you.
- bitch. at all times
- whore well im pretty inexperienced when it comes to sex. ive had 2 partners and was celibate for 3 years. BUT. I dont think theres anything in this world I wont try once, including sexually. So maybe im a whore in that sense : ) WOOHOOOOO.
- rich bitch lmao .. IN MY MIND I AM. i was born to the wrong family.
- hilarious i try i try.

I guess yall get the point. I am everything everyone thinks I am, but its not ALL I am. I am multi-dimensional and unless you take the time to get to know me, the only me youll ever see is the one you've chosen to. I cant change that and I have no desire to. I love me, even when I'm my worst ME.

Anyway 2008 is coming to a close. Its so funny that this time last year everyone was saying how 2008 was their year and now everyone is saying they cant wait to see it go. 2008, you did us all in. Get lost, bitch!

This year was full of my worst lows.

JAN
- got "played" by the most important man in my life.
FEB
- started the worst job of my life
MAY
- got in a car accident that has left me owing 8000 dollars to an insurance company and simply waiting on the "you've been served" papers
- got fired
JUNE
- got played AGAIN by a fucking WEIRDO who couldnt figure out his own age OR name!
JULY
- had the worst birthday EVER!
AUGUST
- my bestfriend left me for the hurricane city, new orleans! i miss her every single day and things wont ever be the same til we're back in the same town. my friends are my everything. theyre so much more than my friends and being away from her hurts more than i could ever say!
ps.
new orleans .. im only lettin you borrow her! two years and your time is up, cuz we got a lifetime to spend together, and 3 houses, on the same block, with 3 porches, and 3 rocking chairs to sit and grow old in. ily keish.
SEPTEMBER
- attempted to start school and couldnt, due to NO BABYSITTER!
OCTOBER
- lost the relationships i had with my mother and younger sister
NOVEMBER
- lost my car

And out of all that I managed to throw in some pretty good highs..

Finding out that he really is my soul mate and being able to share our feelings and become more bonded than either of us ever could have imagined. I am eternally grateful to whatever higher power made it possible for me to believe that true love exists and to open my eyes to see that what I needed might've passed me by if I didn't catch it ; )

Starting Femme Fatale.

Beginning to truly find and accept myself.

Spending every single day of my life with my most beautiful thing to ever enter my life. Brooklyn, you are FOREVER my rainbow after the storm. My light at the end of the tunnel. You are my everything. Without you I would have NOTHING. You complete me. You've made me. And each day I struggle to figure out why you chose ME. I am so lucky to have you in my life. You raise me, as I raise you. Thank you for constantly hugging me and telling me "don't cry. okay mommy?....better?". You make EVERYTHING better. Thank you.

LOSING 20 LBS! 20 more to go though lol

Seeing my bestfriends follow their dreams. I am so very proud of both of them and they inspire me every single day.

I have many many plans and goals for 2009 and I can only hope to reach them all. Please wish me luck.

To Alexis, I wanna tell you that everything you aspire to do, you can do. You have more potential and more talent that anyone I know. Please continue to try. Never give up. You will succeed and I believe in you. We kept each other alive this year. I am forever indebited to you for our talks and your honesty. To simply have someone to pour every secret into and every emotion. Someone I can be completely emotionally naked with is a blessing. I thank you for every single conversation. You continue to have my back, right or wrong. and you are ALWAYS there for me. I would be a lot more depressed without your friendship lol. I love you, and I want nothing but the best for you. Please do everything in YOUR power to make 2009 your year. You cant fail, cuz these bitches are WAITING for you at the bottom. ILY.

I truly love all my readers and everyone who sends me comments saying they admire me, they think I'm a good mother, they love reading my entries and watching my videos. It all inspires me. I wish you all a great new years and I truly truly wish the best for everyone in 2009. SEE YA NEXT YEARRRR! lol

confessions.

2008-12-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

the truth is ..
i regret being 16.
i regret the decisions i made when i was 16.
i regret meeting you.
i regret wasting a year on you.
i regret that youre my childs father ..
BUT I DONT REGRET HER!

i feel like a horrible mother for not picking a better father.
she deserves so much better.
she deserves someone to love her unconditionally and no more or less than her siblings.
she deserves to feel true love from a man so that when she chooses a man for herself, she wont settle for someone who doesnt know her worth and worship her like the princess she is.
she deserves to have a father who treats her like shes his man priority. BECAUSE SHE SHOULD BE!
she deserves a father who would feed her, over some bitch, ANY DAY.
she deserves every fucking thing your sons get! INCLUDING THAT SAME LOVE AND ATTENTION!

i deserve some fucking help!

my only dream, since i was 17 and pregnant (and far too young to be having a baby) has been to have a family. a man to love me and my baby and to simply be a true family, the kind i never had. i dont want a mansion. a simple home is fine with me. with a front and backyard with grass and a fence. a husband who shares my same values about marriage and family. a man who sees my child as his own and when we have children, can raise them all equally. THIS IS ALL I WANT. this has been my dream since i was 17 and pregnant. and YOU were never in it. youve been my nightmare since i was 16. worst mistake of my fucking life.

i always say i have no regrets but in the back of my mind i know im lying. cuz day after day, i regret the day i met you.

im not sure if ill ever forgive myself for not giving brooklyn the father she deserves. and all i can hope for is that one day ... ill find a man who loves her the way you never have, and the way i always will.

Four Page Letter

2008-12-19T01:09:00.000-08:00

Dear You,

I just realized this is the second letter I've written to you on this blog, and I've yet to write you one with a pen. Dammit. I'm totally lost in technology and becoming one of "those" people who pretend the means of a pen and paper is reserved for the wrinkled and grey. My badness! Note to self: Hand write a letter, ASAP!

We haven't spoken much lately so lets catch up. I'm writing you this letter in my tweety bird pj's and my favorite hollister zip-up hoodie (with the hood on), and Rihanna's Rehab playing in the background, with the hopes of drowning out the sounds of any possible critters that may be lurking. I know that may have confused you but I saw a mouse last night! Babe .. I screamed and cried and screamed some more for LITERALLY 10 minutes. My legs and back went numb. I'm scared for what will happen if I ever come that close to a horse. You know I don't fuck with them evil creatures. No sir.

Brooklyn has been asking for you so much lately and it chips at my heart each time she says your name. Every time she hears the ice cream truck she looks out the window yelling, "hurry mommy!". Ouch. Guess I can't help but miss you when I have a 3 foot tall constant reminder of you. Plus, you're like 3 feet tall, too. Owww! That was a good one. Currently dusting my shoulders off. Dust, dust.

It's really strange for me to be writing you on here because I've been holding what we have so close to my heart and really trying to protect it. But most the people I know personally dont read my blog, they just watch my videos .. so I feel like we're kind of safe here lol. Anyway, the whole point of this was because you propositioned me for an "I love you sooo fucking much" video. But uh .. I'm too dope for all that public cupcakin. HOWEVER, I'm not too dope to write it down!

So you know how I said I dont believe in love? I felt like you got offended. Like all "well then how you love me"-ish. Remember when Whit asked were we in love? I really had to think about that which is why I didnt answer. Clearly, its no question if I love you. But in the past I've thought I was in love only to later find out that I wasn't. And while I did love those people, AS people and friends, I simply wasnt in love like I thought I was. I could never fall in love because I didnt allow myself to. I feel like in order for me to be in love with someone I have to feel comfortable enough and trust them enough to give them my heart and trust they'll take care of it. And while I feel like maybe one day we might have that and maybe you could change my idea of true love being a facade, I want to be sure that I'm "in" it before I say anything. Don't wanna speak too soon and end up eating my words.

Lately, though, its seemed like you've pulled way back. I miss my random sweet texts, and "I love you more" competitions, and the stressed out "ahhhhhh I miss you" aims. :/

Anyway .. I think I've said enough lol so IN CONCLUSION (since this WAS an essay lmao) I LOVE YOU SOOOO FUCKING MUCH.

Happy? lol

Love ya, mean it.
PEEEACE.

fingerpainted tears.

2008-12-16T19:05:00.000-08:00

So tired of these tears. All salty and clear. Lets paint them and give them names. SLASH! Watch the blood pour from my veins. Smear it on my cheek. Aw, thats better. Now they're not all soulless and bleak. I wrote your name next to this one, so I can remember where it came from.

An excerpt from a poem I just wrote. Steal it and get stole on. SERIOUSLY.

In all honesty though. I feel the need to pour my heart into this entry because if I don't, I might literally lose my mind. Lately I've been overwhelmingly consumed with suicidal thoughts. And I'm not saying this like "ohhh feel sorry for the girl who wants to die"..because obviously, I'm not going to kill myself. I'm not that selfish. But I can't help but wonder if thats my only way out of this shit. You know? Like when the fuck is life gonna get better. I dont even need it to be easier. Just better. Please! I know I have a lot to be thankful for but come on. I take 2 steps forward, I gotta take 10 back. I need a fuckin break. A vacation. A hug! Man..its too much. And from my inner most deepest fuckin core I tell yall this..if a friend needs you...like if they need you to the point where they say "I NEED YOU." believe them. Because it takes a lot of fuckin SWALLOWED pride to tell someone you NEED them at that moment. If you never needed to be there for someone, you need to be there for that person RIGHT then and there because at this point, I feel like I have NO ONE and even the people I've opened up to and said "I need you. Like seriously..i NEED you. life or death"..they cant push aside there own trials and tribulations. Their own struggles and just lend me a shoulder. THAT fuckin hurts. And if I didnt have my daughter I could've easily said "fuck it. this shit is for the birds" and been done with it.

However, I'm not a quitter. So I'll keep fighting this age long battle. Theres gotta be some sort of rainbow after the storm right?

And rest assured .. if this disease doesnt kill me. I'll be right fuckin HERE!

Thanks for listening. You can have your shoulder back ; )

Peace.

i want out.

2008-12-13T22:23:00.000-08:00

I'm so over everything! I don't wanna be there for ANYONE anymore. I'm tired of extending myself and not getting SHIT in return. I'm giving my all just to get slapped in the face. I'm there for everyone and I feel like a lot of people are really taking advantage. I feel you're playing this overly depressed role to ME and only me but to the world you seem to be pretty happy. Going out, partying, chillin with your friends, the whole nine. Whatever. Aint shit wrong with you. Dont give me the bullshit cuz I'm sick of caring.
I'm tired of the aim hype. Away messages ruin more relationships than myspace. I just need a big black hole to crawl in and throw a big ass boulder on top of it. Hide me under a rock .. I dont wanna come out!

Few random notes..

+ expect accessories in the near future to dress up those Femme Fatale tees.
+ custom t-shirts are 3 dollars off until Christmas day. $25 instead of $28, heyyy!
- I need money!
- I want my car!
- I need a vacation
+ Throw some dollars in my paypal : ) ash.crack@gmail.com .. it IS christmas, dang! Let a bitch borrow a dollar.
+ http://femmefatale.spreadshirt.com will be revamped with new items and hopefully a new look.
- been feeling physically sick due to stress lately .. not the greatest look.
- IM OVER ITTTT!

peace.

i'm lovin it!

2008-12-11T16:15:00.000-08:00

i was gonna post a blog but instead im just gonna post some videos of my favorite things at this present time..

#1 - this commercial is HILARIOUS.

#2 - this song is the truth.

#3 - i WISH i was there.

umm thats all i can think of so far.

wonderwoman aint so wonderful.

2008-12-06T14:21:00.000-08:00

I remember being a child and feeling like my safest place on this earth was next to my mother. I thought she was super-human. If my mother was there no bullet was strong enough to penetrate, and no harm would ever come to me. She could fight anyone and shield me from EVERYthing. I was sure of it. In my mind, my mother was the closest thing to God and as long as I was in her presence, I was safe.

It's not until I got older that I realized she was nothing short of an imperfect mortal. Somewhere along the line that safe place that connected our hearts has become a broken grip full of hate, anger, and jealousy. In my heart I will forever be that four-year-old who crawls in mommy's lap when she's scared, that sick 10 year old who just wants her mommy because she will make it better, that pregnant 17 year old who feels like the ONLY person in her corner is her mother. Lines got crossed and miscommunication took over. I'm no longer her baby. The desire to care and protect me as a mother to a child has fled. She looks at me and sees a 20 year old woman with a baby, ignoring that I'm HER baby. I'm HER child. I still need my mommy when I'm scared, and when I'm sick, and when I'm alone but it doesnt matter how much I tell her that and beg her to just be my mom again because "I'm grown" and her priorities have changed.

If I knew growing older meant losing my mother, I would've never done it.

Note to self: keep a mental note of how much Brooklyn needs you today, she'll need you the same even after eighteen.

fuckafuture.

2008-12-06T00:36:00.000-08:00

If theres one thing this year has taught me its to live in the moment, be happy with today..because tomorrow, there WILL be pain.

a friend became the love of my life.

2008-12-02T17:09:00.000-08:00

Dear You,

No picture, poem, joyful tears or smiles could ever truthfully depict how happy you make me and the joy I feel in your presence. A night spent with you, Brooklyn, steak nachos and an ice cold coke - LIFE IS GOOD! (at least for that moment)

I've never felt this way about anyone and even though I can only hope it'll be in my future, I'm thankful and enjoying every moment while its in my present.

XoXo,
Ash.

P.S.
I told you I was writing you a love letter. I just didnt want to GIVE it to you, I wanted you to find it, thought itd be nicer that way. LOL.

----------------------------------------------

Dear Readers,

Enough of the love.
Snap back to reality. (yes, 8 mile.) : )

Wait..I changed my mind. I do wanna talk about love..

What a fucking sad day it is when women are WILLING to reduce themselves to competitors for a grown BOY's heart. It genuinely makes me sick to my stomach to think how insecure and desperate some females are that they'll accept being "the other woman" or knowing their boyfriend is cheating..or hell, these days, knowing they're one of many GIRLFRIENDS. Ugh..it really does make me want to throw up. One day (it was literally, ONE DAY) I was all depressed because my boo was in yet ANOTHER car accident and I started wondering "is it really that serious if a man is messing with other girls? how much will it matter once he passes and youll just be so sad that you spent so much time angry at him over another woman..is it worth it?" but you know what.......FUCK THAT SHIT BITCH eat a mothafuckin dick, chew on a prick and lick a million mothafuckin cocks per second, I'd rather put out a mothafuckin gospel record I'd rather be a pussy whipped bitch, eat pussy, and have pussy lips glued to my face with a clit ring in my nose. (it must be eminem day in my mind)

I changed my mind, IT DOES MATTER. Its so degrading and disrespectful to yourself to ALLOW yourself to be so belittled that you're simply 1 of many when you were put on this earth to be someones one and only. I believe in soul mates and that there is someone for everyone. So is it that serious that you THINK you're sooo in love that you're willing to be nothing but a crab in a barrel fighting for the attention of a person who doesnt realize your true worth ANYWAY and isnt even meant for you?

I know every girl tries to prove to their boyfriend that they're the one and that they're "down" and will "ride or die"..but truth be told, if that really is who you are. If you really are 150% there for him and "down" for him and you both know the importance of your PARTNERship, you'll never have to try to show him. He already knows.

Like I told a friend of mine, long ago..

In order to realize what he's lost he has to know the worth of what he had.....and he never did. (dont be stealing my words, bitches)

So ladies, please stop trying to prove yourself to boys who dont appreciate you or know what you mean to them & their lives. The truth is, they'll never know because you simply weren't made for them. You're true beauty and essence will be seen by the man that matters..the one put here for YOU.

The end.

random suits me.

2008-11-27T01:33:00.000-08:00

What if, for 30 seconds, you paused .. took a breath .. stop telling me your problems & asked "hey ash, how are YOU doing today?". What a grand idea! But since you won't .. I'll continue writing my ups and downs HERE. Where my readers care! lol

Moving on...

I have so much to say and no clear idea of what order I'd like to say it in so lets pretend this is a blank canvas and i'm taking my brush and splattering paint all over it, mixing all my colors together. In other words, this shit is gonna be random and mixed the eff up. LIKE ME! : )

Matter fact .. lets list this shit ..

+ I'm trying so hard to be that girl who doesnt envy or feel resentment towards your past, but instead am thankful for the person its made you because I'm reaping the benefits. I'm definitely not there .. BUT I'M TRYING! Counts for something, eh?

- I'm feeling like some of my "friends" that were really there for me when nothing was going right, are nowhere to be found now that everything is coming together .. and not literally, cuz I can find them, but when I wanna share my happiness with them theyre all "blahhhhIDONTCAREASHLEYYYblahhhh" but let me be sad .. they care sooo much. Just feeds my theory that people LOVE to see you down and out and cant stand to see any sort of progress .. especially when theyre still sitting in PARK!

- I wish everyone could understand that I can't control my heart nor my feelings and I cant help who I care for. I realize I hurt a lot of people by saying I was never in love, I'M JUST BEING HONEST! Its not that I completely said "I love you" and didnt mean it, I meant it. But now hindsight is 20/20 and looking back .. I dont think it was real love. I've never been in love, at least my idea of what real love is. I'm sorry thats hurt some people but how can you blame ME for what my heart feels? A part of my body I have absolutely no control over. AND THENNNN, call me a bad person. Psh .. your mother.

+ I truly believe 2009 is my year. When your lying in a bed of rocks with boulders crashing down on you before your eyes .. what choice do you have but to get the fuck UP?! "Moving on upppp.." yall know the song.

+ Happiness seems so near.

- Depression isnt that far away.

& lets end this with..

I held the title, wore the crown
I was the trophy, while you ducked down
And she was cool with just fooling around
Now number four was there to ride
And five was crazy, his wild child
And when we're rocky he calls number nine

the end.

niggas are MAD.

2008-11-20T15:22:00.000-08:00

lmfao.
im loving the controversy this video is causing.
ima edit this shit with a real post in a minute.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, before I crank out these custom shirts .. I wanted to say something.
For those who dont know, the guy in the video is my bestfriend of 6 years. I'll address the actual video and the people that are mad about it in an upcoming video.

I just wanted to say that in a previous entry I asked the question, if I could turn my feelings off as soon as I ended a relationship, did I ever have real love? Now that I think about it..I think that entry pissed some people off too but whatever..thats off subject. So my answer to my OWN question is no..thats not real love. Same with a friendship. If you can end a friendship and say "i dont care about anything involving you anymore" (the exact words said to me), we were never friends in the first place..and its funny that you got the nerve to come to me and say "ive been a friend to you, cant say the same about you" and then turn around and say some shit like that. but anyway..I'll elaborate on all of this very soon, for my confused people lol.

Class is dismissed lmao

fuck a title.

2008-11-08T13:14:00.000-08:00

While reading my partner's (not in the "life partner" sense) blog, I came across something that really struck me and stuck with me.

"Why do I always feel the weakest when I'm caring about others and falling in love and the strongest when my nonchalance kicks back in for a year or two? Love humiliates me; the calousness cradles me"

Throughout the larger part of my life I became infamous for my nonchalant attitude, lack of care, feelings, or emotions. It worked for me. By the time I was ten I'd decided love was for the birds and I would never be caught dead intertwined in all the heartache, misery, stupidity, lack of judgement, sometimes psychotic episodes and plain old weakness caused my a four letter word and emense amount of indescribable feelings. Ten years old and already anti-love? What a sad story to think of what I must have witnessed as "love" to decide at, ten years old, that it wasnt for me. To this day, I've become known as the overly-selective, hard to get girl, with the cold heart and sad eyes. Mostly true. Only part thats "halfway" true is that I'm hard to get. Wrong. Impossible to get. Once you think you've "got me" I make it my mission to put you through the most hell to see if I can break you, make you leave, make you not love me, to feed my theory that love is never true. I dont know if I know what love is. I dont know if I've ever really been in it. I've thought I was in love but was I really? Is it love if you can turn it off after a breakup? Is it love if the mere thought that you dated a certain person has the ability to literally make you sick to your stomach? Is it love if you look back at that "love" and question its validity and whether or not it was just an extreme case of lust? I dont know if anyone knows the true meaning of love but I do know that by my own definition, I can not say I have ever really fallen in love. I've loved, and I've loved with all that I have but because of my ideas of love and how its ruined people I've never been able to allow myself to just fall. Be free and rest assure that I'm safe in someone elses hands. I dont know if I ever will. The thought of dropping my nonchalant, calous, cold attitude and breaking down the wall of memories full of broken homes, abusive husbands, cheating boyfriends, pregnant mistresses, cat fights, and angry arguments that surrounds my heart..TRULY scares me. I protect my heart by blocking all things remotely norturing and find comfort and the coldness of my loneliness and solitude. To give another control my heart, and feelings. To place them in there care and say do what this what you will and expect the best of them, thats just something that I'm not capable of doing.The attempt to break away from these shackles and let everything go will probably be a slower process than it was to get here in the first place, but maybe itll be worth it if I can prove myself wrong and find the happiness within someone else that I've ran from and shut off for so long.

election day.

2008-11-06T18:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know why your heart doesn't do what your mind tells it.

2008-10-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

If we lose everyone we love, is it worth loving in the first place? And is the fear of heartbreak enough to push away any and everything remotely resembling what might be right, because if its too right, its gotta be wrong....I'm just curious.
I've been anti-love, feelings, emotions, and a beating heart for almost three years. I haven't opened up, shared myself, let anyone learn who I was, put my guard down, or accepted any type of intimacy or affection in almost three years. I've been told I'm cold and don't give people chances. That may be true. It is true. I'm closed. I don't want anyone in my heart..in my space..just leave me the fuck alone. But then he came and fucked everything up. I was good! I wasnt trippin off love, emotions, feelings, falling, getting up, falling again, hugs, kisses, make up sex and all the drama involved in relationships. I was enjoying MY own company. But I had to be real with him and these feelings that I buried YEARS ago, simply because of who he is .. and who hes been. I made myself open up, let go, and let him in the space I closed the door to almost 3 years ago. But I'm fucked up and time has not healed this wound. As perfect as the idea of you and I seems, I cannot accept the fact that it may be a reality. I'm watching, and waiting for you to fuck up. Slip up..just a LITTLE bit..so I can be right. So I can tell myself "told ya so". So I can know that love is nothing but a fictional character and feeling, thought up and played out by cruel people knowing we'd all be chasing that fictional character til the day we die. Just hoping for a chance of a happy ending and fairytale life with the one we "love". I keep telling myself to relax, chill out, calm down..just let what happens, happen. But I cant. Its kill or be killed. Hurt or get hurt. Play or get played. And I'm tired of these games..and I could NEVER hurt you..so I'm just pushing you back inch by inch so that you CAN'T hurt ME. I'm making myself believe that by the time you do hurt me, I won't care. But I know I will..I always do. Cuz I really, truly, love you. And I dont mean the "boy meets girl and they fall in love" type of love. I'm talking about the..love and basketball, brown sugar, musiq's girl next door type of love. I'm talking about loving your bestfriend for nothing other than the person they are. Good, bad and ugly. I've never had to put on a show for you..you've never had to put on one for me. We've never even had to speak, we could sit in silence and just enjoy the company. I simply love the person you are..without being IN love. But I feel like my heart AND my mind are too fucked up and been fucked over TOO many times for me to let you in and let you be everything I want you to be to me.
I wish I didnt miss you, and I wish I didnt want you..
But I know in order to prove myself wrong .. I have to take this chance and truly let whats happens, happen. Whats meant to be..will be.
I'm just hoping we get it right the first time.

cuz i feel like it needs to be posted everywhere!

2008-10-24T04:01:00.001-07:00

I've loved you since I was 14 & the shit wont go away.

2008-10-22T23:52:00.001-07:00

everyone always predicted this movie would be "us"..
i wonder ..

vlog instead of blog.

2008-10-22T00:12:00.001-07:00

Alex Is Ballin made me do it!

2008-10-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

I havent updated in a while but my homie Alexis Belon finally got me to vlog so heres the video, homies .. or lack thereof since no one reads this blog : ( lol

passive aggressive people..

2008-10-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

are lames. like you.
fucking square.

but it seems to be in, so if you cant beat em .. join em
: )

& the weather so breezy ..

2008-10-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
You are a bit hesitant today, even if others are working hard on your behalf. They may encourage you to dream big and urge you to push ahead with a project or an idea that has recently popped into your head. Proceed at your own pace; don't rush into anything just because others think you should. You will know when the time is right.

attempting to follow my heart ..
chase my dreams
but they're running at speeds my feet cant keep.

dreams becoming reality..

2008-10-05T15:00:00.001-07:00

Click the image to order your Boss Bitch tee for $23!

I kissed a frog and I liked it.

2008-10-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

Since I was a kid I've been made painfully aware that I'm different and it took me a really long time to accept my own differences and turn it into things that I loved and admired about myself. It took me forever to accept myself for me and not question why I am who I am or attempt to be who I'm not to please other people. I never claimed perfection, I know I'm flawed but if you can't say anything else positive about me or my personality .. you will always be able to say I'm real, I'm honest, I'm loyal, and I gave you ME. I will always show you my heart and the true essense of who Ashley is. It may be a flawed portrait..but it is the reality. Anyway, being that I've come to a place where I can accept myself and truly begin to love myself for who I am (not physically .. I've always been a conceited sonofabitch in that area) I decided to take an over due amount of ME time. I've been celibate for almost three years now (gasp!) and dont go on "dates". I might meet a new guy and go out with him on a friendly level .. but nothing more. Lately, its become a problem for a lot of people. Men seem to think I need them..or I should need them and dont understand why I'm enjoying my solitude and my own company so much and for so long. First of all, just being friends with men and taking the time to truly get to know them gives me the chance to see who is right for me and who isnt, before feelings get involved and things get too complicated. I mean .. I'm just now accepting myself .. let me learn more about ME before I'm giving myself away to you. Another reason I've chosen to be single is because .. I'M FOCUSED, MAN! I've got so many goals to accomplish .. so many dreams to make reality. I cant have some guy getting me off track. Now..I would think most MEN can appreciate a woman trying to get her ish together before accepting him into her life. But eh .. whatdoyaknow .. most men aren't men anyway.

The only person changing my mind and making me suddenly want a boo is Prince Charming (aka the Que to my Dawn, Nas to my Kelis, Jay-Z to my Beyonce, Djimon to my Kimora, Mr. Big to my Carrie).

That beautiful little girl w/ the smile ..

2008-10-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

.. just shit all over my closet.
then put a cookie in her mouth .. chewed it up .. spit in my hand and said "say ahhh"

but on the flip side .. she chose to watch the Pursuit of Happyness over Bee Movie and is now singing her little heart out to Need You Bad by Jazmine Sullivan.

Why am I so lucky?

I love you, so much.

lmfao!!

2008-09-24T20:02:00.001-07:00

was the highlight of my night lastnight.

carving my own path.

2008-09-15T01:32:00.000-07:00

When I was 16 I met a girl, who I would later learn was put in my life for so many reasons and she would become some many things to me and my life, and have so many purposes. As we got closer, opened up with each other, shared life experiences, thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, wishes, pasts, nightmares, and everything in between .. we realized how alike we were and how alike our lives had been. We've spent hours on end holding endless conversations about the most intelligent, thought provoking things, down to the most mindless .. such as, celebs, gossip and I'm sure we've probably even seriously discussed why the sky is blue. She has come to be my BIGGEST confidant .. and when something tragic, or something beautiful happens in my life .. i need her words, first.

I remember talking to her and we were upset about the way life kept fuckin us. About how no matter how many do-overs we beg for, we kept getting the short end of the stick. I remember, like it was yesterday, she said "Why did they tell me I could be anything I wanted, knowing it was lie? They knew I couldn't be whatever I wanted. It would've been so much easier to settle with the truth than to believe something that would turn out to be a lie." Those words always sound like the shattered dreams of a little girl. I remember agreeing. Telling her she was right, we CANT be whatever we want. It doesnt even make sense. But if it were as true as we attempted to force ourselves to believe, why did we keep dreaming?

I've been thinking of all the people who ever told me I could be whatever I wanted to be, do whatever I wanted to do. None of them were who they wanted to be. None of them followed THEIR dreams. So in typical Ashley fashion .. I've set out on a quest to prove everyone wrong. I CAN be whatever I want, and I CAN do whatever I want. And when I tell my daughter that she can be whoever SHE wants, she'll have no choice to believe me .. I'll be all the proof she needs. So I'm going to keep chasing my dreams til my knees buckle and my toes start bleeding .. and even if I die still chasing .. at least I followed my heart and NO ONE can ever say I settled for mediocrity. I'll create my own path .. follow my own lead .. and above all else NEVER "settle for less than butterflies" ;)

PEEEEACE.

Wasted Time.

2008-09-14T02:34:00.000-07:00

I had an entry here but I didnt talk about everything I had on my mind so I'll repost ... one day.

No Regrets.

2008-09-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

I once read somewhere that someone that has no regrets have found true happiness. Because of the fact that I've truly never regretted anything in my life, that stuck with me .. it made me think. Have I found true happiness? Is this as good as it gets? Is this as happy as I'll ever be. I hope not. I don't consider myself happy and my goal has always been to find happiness. Not fading or temporary happiness. I want true happiness, long-lasting.

I think a big reason why I dont regret anything is because I dont care enough to. I've made some dumb ass decisions, done some dumb ass shit. Fucked with some STUPID ass people .. but I cant bring myself to wish I hadnt done any of it. Maybe if I had the option, I would do it over..simply out of intelligence and wisdom. But regret it? I cant say I do. Everything I've ever been through has taught me so many lessons .. changed me and molded me in so many ways. I know I have some undying strength that most people dont possess and an everlasting will and drive to succeed and I truly believe all the tests I've been through have shaped me to be this way.

I guess true regrets come from a struggle that you've learned nothing from. Making mistakes, going through hard times and learning NOTHING from it .. thats some shit to regret .. but when you LEARN from it, grow and change .. i think THATS some shit to be THANKFUL for & PROUD of.

I guess what I'm trying to say is .. through all my mistakes and struggles .. I dont have one regret .. but a ton of pride.

bye bye, lover boy.

2008-09-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

At the end of the day .. I can only be me. I can only think from MY mind, see from MY eyes, and feel from MY heart. So many times I've tried to be everything to everyone and I can no longer be that. I'd love to be your friend, lover, and everything in between but I'm not. The fact that you didnt want to accept that, accept me for ME, is the reason why we're now enemies. So don't blame me .. because from day one .. you knew my true colors. You knew what I could and couldn't provide to you. You chose to fall in love with a dream. I chose to fall in love with the real thing. Now we're both fucked.

Whatever .. life goes on.

To live & Die in LA

2008-09-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

I'm so fuckin tired of people talkin about how fake and superficial LA is, when they, themselves are so fake and superficial! I'm so tired of people talkin about how fake and unloyal their friends are, when they are fake and unloyal to their friends! I'm so tired of everyone proclaiming to be so real, so profound, so above this shit .. when theyre in the fuckin center of it! You threw yourself into this "hollywood" lifestyle. How can you catergorize an entire HUGE ASS city based off the experiences youve had in ONE SECTION of it! LA is not fake, though many PEOPLE in LA are. And you, my dear, surround yourself by all of them. And you, my dear, ARE ONE OF THEM! You get what you give.

In the words of Carrie Bradshaw
"If Louis was right, and you only get one great love, then ~~New York~~ LA may just be mine...and I can't have nobody talkin' shit about my boyfriend."

wtfever.

2008-08-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm really starting to feel like I care too much about all the WRONG people.

Karma's A Bitch

2008-08-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

When we're kids we're told to do good and good things will happen to us. Stay in school, dont get in trouble, do the right thing, and good things will always come our way.

No one ever stops to tell us that it WON'T end up that way. That the world is not in our hands. We're in the the world's hands. Whatever is going to happen to us..is happening REGARDLESS of the type of person we are or what we do. No one ever tells us that 9 times out 10 .. the more "good" you are .. the more FUCKED you'll be.

& at this moment .. my bitch could quite possibly be spending a great deal of time locked up for something that didnt even involve her .. while the people who DID do the shit .. is out living lovely. & at this moment .. im busting my ass to make it for me and my baby and provide the BARE NECESSITIES for her. While her "father" is out living the american dream .. getting tattoos, phones, throwing parties, fixing up his car, planning marriages, raising the 2 kids that matter to him .. not giving 1cent towards raising THIS child .. which is also HIS child.

Karma is indeed a bitch. A blind one. Cuz her ass always hits the wrong fuckin person.

I'm hoping just this ONCE shit will work out in our favor. ILY Lex.

back in business..

2008-08-22T16:04:00.001-07:00

sucker !